The Gilmore Book Club

How Scarlett O’Hara can help you find your home

It was the first day of the Curves NY Show: the first day of the big expo show for work.  Already exhausted mentally and physically, I pushed myself forward. I got ready, scarfed down breakfast, and walked out the door. And that was it. Those were my last few moments in my old apartment. My first New York apartment. And I just left. No goodbye, no closure, no moments of gratitude or acceptance.

When the day was over, I trudged back uptown, but this time, I went to my new apartment. Because I had to move on a weekday and because this was the only time of year that I could not take off from work, my parents had driven up from South Carolina to move for me. (Yes, they are the best parents ever, and yes, I’ll be forever grateful for all they’ve done for me.) They finished packing my boxes, drove everything over to the new place, unloaded, and set up the essentials- all without me. I woke up in one apartment and went to sleep that night in another one. It was entirely surreal.

My parents left the next day.  I was moved into my new apartment and the big work event was over, but that didn’t mean that everything was fine. Everything was terrible. I was exhausted and became incredibly sick. Even though I was surrounded by boxes and bags to unpack and things to clean, I had no energy to do any of it. Each day I rummaged through the boxes looking for clothes and shoes or cooking utensils but couldn’t find any of it. I think I called my mom at least once a day for the next few weeks so she could help me locate the things I was missing. On top of that, I felt sad about leaving the old place and my old roommate and guilty that I hadn’t helped at all with the move. My new place was full of clutter, sickness, and negative feelings, and I resented it for not being the home I wanted it to be.

If I could only find my true home. If only I knew how to make things better. If only, if only. But it seemed like nothing I did brought me closer to home. People would ask how I loved my new apartment, and I lied every single time. “It’s so great getting to have everything in my style” “The community there is so wonderful” “It barely feels like I’ve moved at all.” All of these things were true, but they were only lies that covered up my true feelings.

Now I wasn’t foraging broken farms for food or protecting my house from Yankee soldiers like Scarlett was, but I was fighting for my home. I wanted a place that reflected the life I wanted to live. I wanted a haven- a place of rest and comfort and full of love and joy. What I had were odds and ends shoved in closets and boxes cluttering up what little space I had. Everything was old and worn, and no longer represented my style, but I didn’t have the time or money to replace them. Every day I opened my eyes in my new apartment, I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t belong there; I simply existed there.

It’s easier for us to lighten the mental and physical load by shoving those things out of our mind and onto our docket for the next day. It may sound like procrastination, and that’s partially true, but it’s also self-preservation. There are some worries that are alleviated with the dawn of a new day, and some that linger no matter how much time has passed.  We can only take so much stress, so much exhaustion, and so much pain. Too much, and we become overwhelmed, drowned in the abyss of it all. And that’s exactly where I was. Scarlett’s “charm” had carried me through the chaos, but once the dust settled, I was just as lost. There are some things that are better left until tomorrow and some things that require immediate accomplishment. In the mayhem of moving, I had lost my grip on the importance of the balance between the two. And so, I got to work. I took my time, but at least I had made a start.

I started to think, that if I replaced one thing, then everything else wouldn’t seem so bad. So, I looked at everything: bedspreads, rugs, lamps, and shower curtains. I couldn’t find anything that I liked or anything that was in my price range. And then I found it: the perfect shower curtain. I ordered it and anxiously awaited its delivery. When it finally arrived, I hung it up, and it was all wrong.  So, I sent it back. I found a second option, but that was wrong too. I stared at that shower curtain for an unreasonably long time. Did it really matter so much? It was, after all, just a shower curtain. Couldn’t I just deal with it? Wasn’t good enough, well, good enough? No, no it wasn’t. If this place was where I was going to live, then I was going to do everything in my power to make it my home. I was going to fight for the perfect shower curtain, darn it!

I bought a third shower curtain. And it was fantastic! I know the shower curtain is not the most pivotal décor in one’s home, but oh, how I loved that shower curtain. It changed everything. Even though there were still unopened boxes and unorganized shelves, every time I walked into my bathroom, I could see that shower curtain and feel like I had finally been able to take that first step to making my apartment into my home. I could finally see a future in my home. I could see myself reflected in my home.

Scarlett helped me to see that part what makes home so special is how much time and effort we’ve dedicated to that space, how much passion we fill it with, how much love we share when we are there. All of those things require patience and hard work. Our relationships, our careers, our hobbies, our houses-they all become our home because we pour our hearts into them. And when we do, they reflect who we are- the good and the bad.

We all need that home, but home isn’t just anywhere. It’s where you feel at peace. It’s where you can revel in the joy and recover from your wounds. All that matters, is that you find it. And when you do, you’ll realize that you belong to that place just as much as it belongs to you.

Scarlett didn’t toil for Tara because she wanted a big white house; she breathed new life into the plantation because it had been and always will be a part of her. I can’t say that she ever found her true home- at least not with other people, and I have to admit, I’m still looking for my home in a few different ways. But with the addition of that beautiful shower curtain, I’m on my way to building my own home, my own Tara.

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