Out of Chicago
Out of Africa by Isak Dinesen- Part 2
Why your favorite city could be your own Stars hollow
“Up in this air you breathed easily, drawing in a vital assurance and lightness of heart. In the highlands you woke up in the morning and thought: Here I am, where I ought to be.”
”
Chicago was my world now. Riding the train, stomping through freshly fallen snow, and coming home to my little apartment made me delightfully happy. There was never a thought of regret or a moment of hesitation. I belonged there. I had always belonged there, and now I was exactly where I ought to be.
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There are many different reasons to call a place home. My family had moved to Greenville, South Carolina when I was two or three years old, so it’s the only place I remember living as a child. I called it home because my family and friends were there, but I always felt like I didn’t really belong; I was simply living there. I loved my family and I loved my friends. I was safe, and well provided for, but there was always something missing, something I couldn’t quite recognize. We had relocated because of my Dad’s job at the time, and as a two-year-old, I obviously didn’t have any input in where our family lived. Besides, how much could a toddler care about his or her living situation anyway? As I grew up and continued to feel a bit off-center, I knew that I’d have to make a choice that could change my life forever- for better or for worse.
Without hours in therapy, or perhaps if books are considered therapy then I’ve certainly spent enough time there, I clearly recognize that I have a fear of the unknown. In fact, I’ve written about that fear in this blog before, but in this case, that fear had greatly receded in view of something I deemed far worse: not being true to myself. So, I followed my heart to a place where I hoped everything would be different, and in Chicago, it was.
An African farm may not be the complete opposite of Isak Dinesen’s home in Denmark as Chicago was for me, but at the very least, it was quite different. But once your soul has bonded with a place, it’s easy to feel at peace there, and Dinesen felt at home on her coffee plantation in Kenya. She created a vibrant life there full of new and exhilarating experiences. In addition to overseeing the coffee plantation, she went on Safaris, attended the traditional Kikuyu dances called Ngomas, and even took in a wounded gazelle that resided for a time in Dinesen’s home.
““Last week when we were talking about Meryl Streep and the whole accent thing and Rachel said that she loved Out of Africa but she never read the book, remember?...I was like, ‘Are you crazy? Isak Dinesen is amazing. I love her!””
In Gilmore Girls, Lorelai recommends Out of Africa as a gift for a photographer, Rachel, because Rachel is often traveling from place to place, never staying long enough to call it home. I don’t know how Rachel felt, but I think Dinesen and I would be of the same mind in thinking that our travels are what gave us our homes, how our adventures led us to where we truly belonged. Lorelai had Stars Hollow, Dinesen had Kenya, and I had Chicago.
Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I had always been certain of who I was. My self-identity had been crystal clear for as long as I can remember. But I was still growing up, and while at times I may have questioned my identity, I was more steadfast than those around me. But amongst the breezes from Lake Michigan and the lights of the Sears Tower, my identity solidified, now a powerful force I wore like a monarch’s mantle. Crowned with assurance, I reigned in the Windy City, with confidence as my scepter and perseverance as my orb. It felt as if the city itself celebrated me, simply for being me. For the first time, I was in a place that suited my personality, my lifestyle, and my dreams. For the first time, I knew I belonged. For the first time, I was truly home.
“When in the end, the day came on which I was going away, I learned the strange learning that things can happen which we ourselves cannot possibly imagine, either beforehand, or at the time when they are taking place, or afterwards when we look back on them.””
There’s a line of Rory Gilmore’s Valedictorian speech that says her friends and teachers have shaped her life, “impermeably and forever.” I’ve always believed Chicago has done the same for me. Its grid-like streets trace their way through my body like veins, delivering the essence of Chicago into my bloodstream, an impermeable force forever maintaining its vitalizing influence on my life.
Upon my graduation, I left Chicago to take a class in L.A, but I left broken-hearted. How could I have imagined when I first came to the Windy City how much it would mean to me? How could I foresee how devastating it would be to leave? I was a film major at the time, and L.A. was supposed to be the place to begin your career. It was heavily implied that to gain that invaluable experience and to break into the industry, L.A. was the only option.
After almost twenty years in Africa, Dinesen is faced with a trial she never imagined: the coffee plantation is failing, and she cannot save it. Though she is angered and saddened about leaving her farm, she eventually decides she can no longer avoid that dreaded eventuality: she must sell the plantation and return to Denmark.
“The man in the story was cruelly deceived, and had obstacles put in his way. He must have thought, ‘What ups and downs! What a run of bad luck!’ He must have wondered what was the idea of all his trials, he could not know that it was a stork. But through them all he kept his purpose in view, nothing made him turn round and go home, he finished his course, he kept his faith. The man had his reward.” ”
Life in Chicago was not perfect, but I hadn’t really expected it to be. Life’s annoyances were still present, school’s demands still needed to be met, and barriers that seemed impossible to cross still existed. At times it seemed like the world was against me. There were many times I questioned why it seemed like all these bad things happened to me. Why did it seem like only my path was strewn with obstacles? Where was I going?
Through all the trials and heartbreaks, there were plenty of times when I could have given up and transferred to a college or university in South Carolina. But Chicago was always in my mind, always offering something that assured me of my decision to stay.
Looking back, I see my reward, I see the city that embraced me. The plan of my life has still yet to be entirely revealed, especially to me, but I’m learning to trust in the journey, to forge on through the hills and valleys, to embrace what my chosen home has brought to me. Through everything, Chicago was always there for me. It was there urging me forward as I trained through the snowy winters and hot summers in preparation for my first marathon. It was where I crossed a famous stage, adored in a cap and gown, to receive my diploma. It was my everything, my first love.
They say there’s something so intense, so wonderful about that first love, that a part of you never forgets it. And I’ll never forget Chicago. In fact, I felt instantly at home in New York because it reminded me so much of Chicago. And a week-long vacation I once spent in London felt so fantastic, because it felt just like Chicago. The longing to visit my beloved city again rarely ceases, but in my heart, I never truly left, for the Windy City will always be a part of me, like a fingerprint on my soul.
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