The Gilmore Book Club

How Relationships Can Survive an illness

On one spectacular Christmas-themed episode of Gilmore Girls, Lorelai has to write a character reference for Luke so that he can win custody of his daughter, April. Because of her complicated romantic history with Luke and her current marriage to Christopher, there’s a lot more going on with Lorelai than just writing a nice letter about Luke and his daughter. So, Lorelai does just about everything else instead of writing this letter. In fact, her brain is running in so many different directions that her thoughts spin into totally random tangents, including “…monkey, monkey, underpants.”

My mother and I use those three words all the time to mean, “this next thought is completely unrelated to the conversation we’re having, but if you were in my mind, you’d understand the connection, but you’re not, so you’re just going to have to jump to this next topic on blind faith.” Basically, it’s a great segue into another topic when only you understand the segue. It may not be the most profound thing, but aren’t all the inside jokes and all the obscure references just the thing that make a relationship more intimate?

Gilmore Girls is famous for its fast-paced dialogue, something that was only descriptive of one other show at the time (West Wing). With their movie, tv, and literature references, witty puns, comic bits, and comebacks for just about everything, the Gilmores did a lot of talking. They talked about anything and everything: the good, the bad, and the just plain weird. But that was Lorelai and Rory. Their ability to discuss everything made their mother-daughter relationship truly special.

In The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, a young Siddalee Walker believes all the best words were created for her mother, Vivian- or Vivi to her friends and family. Full of life, a boundless imagination, and a carefree spirit, Vivi filled the lives of her children with wonder and magic. Sidda was so enamored with her mother, as we all often are at a young age, that she thought the world had been made just for her mother. Even the words of the English language seemed to reflect the life Vivi brought to everything.  

Words bind us all together. From simple interactions to heart-felt discussions to the books we read and the movies we watch, all those words are woven together to create stories and relationships.

My mom and I are like Lorelai and Rory: we’ve always been able to talk about everything. But I believe a large part of our bond was formed from something other than talking: silence.

There was a time in my life, starting in middle school and spanning into high school when I was incredibly sick. The story of how sick I was and everything that happened is another story for another time. For now, the important part is the profusion of doctors’ appointments that invaded our lives. I had appointments with general practitioners, specialists, and even chiropractors, and my mother drove me to every single one.  Sometimes the drives were short, and sometimes they were long.  And sometimes, the drives turned into road trips because one of my doctors was over three hours away.  That’s a six-hour round trip- all in one day. And for most of this driving, I was sick. Miserable, exhausted, and in pain, I could only sit there with my eyes closed, wishing I’d fall asleep but unable to do so. And so we drove, for hours and hours, in silence.

There are times when words fail us. When we’re tongue-tied, or when what we say is not quite what we mean, or when we simply can’t express our thoughts because we can’t even begin to comprehend what we’re thinking, words begin to slip away like sand through our fingers. And just like that, you’re left in silence.

As the novel opens, Sidda and her mother’s relationship is on the brink of destruction. Though their relationship has been strained at times since a traumatic event in Sidda’s childhood, their recent fight threatens to destroy everything. Hurt and confused, Sidda retreats to a cabin by the lake, halting her engagement to Conner and shutting herself off from the world. Sidda voluntarily withdrew into the silence to tend to her wounds and to find answers to all her questions.

I spent months unwillingly sequestered in silence. It hurt too much and took too much energy to form even the smallest words, so I was silent. And with my silence, my relationship with the world, with those around me, began to dissolve.

Though often portrayed as the ideal mother-daughter relationship, Lorelai and Rory have their share of fights. In their case, the silence is crippling because their relationship is strongly rooted in their verbal ability to communicate. But when that system breaks down, how does the relationship survive?

Sometimes, silence can be the answer. As a writer, I’m all about words, but as a person, I know the value of silence. We put so much importance on conversation, and rightly so, but when you’re in a crisis so painful that all the words just evaporate or melt into uselessness, there’s something so comforting about existing in a peaceful silence with someone. It’s like sliding into a warm bath.

In season 3 of Gilmore Girls, Rory dates a very controversial guy, Jess Mariano. While many fans of the show are Team Jess, Lorelai is anti-Jess turned I-tolerate-Jess. One night, Rory comes home and tells Lorelai she is thinking about taking her relationship with Jess to the next level. And though she does a great job at acting like the cool mother, this news hits Lorelai like a waterfall. This is the beginning of the end of their current relationship. Rory’s growing up and the tsunami of everything that entails is too much for Lorelai and for Rory too. So once it’s decided that they’re still going to talk about everything, they sit there on the couch and eat their dinner in total silence, contemplating this shift in their lives and working to find their sea legs aboard this next stage in their relationship. It’s a moment of deep love. To sit in such an uncomfortable moment, after an uncomfortable conversation, nervously looking into the future, but to stay by someone’s side anyway in a physical display of loyalty is an act of love, especially when it’s repeated. Again and again, you sit in that silence, and in that soundless void there is love.

My mother continued to love me, continued to care for me, and continued to drive me to doctor’s appointments. And no matter how silent, or sick, or difficult I was, my mother continued to love me. When I had lost myself, when I gave up on things like faith, hope, and love, my mother still continued to love me. And with love, I found my way through. With love, the words would eventually be restored.

Continue to Part 2

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