The Gilmore Book Club

Can Anna Karenina teach you how to interact with others?

We all have our own versions of society, some filled with loving friends and others with those who mask their intentions with a smile. At times we feel at ease with those around us, and at times, it can feel as if disapproving eyes are all around you. High School and high Russian society: maybe they’re not so different after all.

Now that he’s estranged from his wife Ana, Alexei Karenin begins to feel the weight of loneliness. Although he has only a small part of responsibility in the event of his wife going off with another man, and though he is seen as the injured party, he is still subtly ostracized by his society. He’s still invited to parties and people still converse with him, but he is on the outside of the circle now, cut off from his society even while actively participating in it.

I hate to say it, but at times, I feel the same. Though connected with so many people, there are days when it seems like there is no one. When I want to see a movie or try a new restaurant, I have no one to call. So many people in my circle spend most of their time with their significant other, and while that’s wonderful for them, where does it leave the single people, like me? I’ve tried and reached out to others in a myriad of ways and plenty of times, but it seems they’re always too busy and though they say they’ll get back to me, they rarely do. Karenin and I are on the outside looking in.

Levin is as uncomfortable in society as one can get. He’s often unsure of what he should do or say and because of this, he often does or says something not altogether agreeable. A gentleman in every respect, Levin is kind-hearted, smart, loyal, though I’m sure they didn’t classify people as such, he’s an introvert. Perhaps this is why I like Levin so much, for I am just like him.

I too am kind, smart, loyal, and yes, an introvert. Don’t get me wrong, I am no wallflower. However, if I’m even the tiniest bit tired, the conversation-making part of my brain is always the first thing to shut down. I’ve sat at dinner with friends or co-workers, listening to everyone ask what seem like marvelous questions and offer well-thought out responses in return. And there I am, concentrating on my food. Later, I’ll think of how easy those questions would have been for me to come up with, or what I should have added to the conversation, but at the time, my mind was blank.

And then, there are times when I’m hearing a conversation as if having an out-of-body experience. Gossip, negativity, selfishness, and out-of-control frivolity. Where is the genuine interest in others, the intellectual questions, the tales of travel? Where are the dreams? Where are all the things that are truly important? Without all of these, everything just seems like, well, like nonsense. I’m not willing to exits in such a society.

I resolved to go out and find that which I was looking for. I was going to find a genuine society to call my own.

So, I decided to join a book club. It may have been an obvious solution, but in reality, a good book club is difficult to find- even on an island as big as Manhattan. A book club already has a built-in topic of conversation: the book. So, I figured that would dispel the awkwardness that comes with meeting an entirely new group of people because at least we already had something to talk about. There were two problems. The first was I couldn’t stand the book. In fact, I frequently complained to my mother about everything that drove me nuts about this book. Secondly, when I arrived at book club, it was nothing like I thought it would be. No one was speaking to each other as I walked in, and no one spoke until the leader began the discussion. I know we were there to talk about the book, but I thought there’d at least be the “What do you do? Where do you live? How long have you lived here?” kinds of questions that are always a good place to start when meeting someone new. But there were no questions. No conversations even between those that knew each other. This was a discussion group that barely discussed anything. Clearly, this was not going to help me build a community.  

Anna Karenina, the Ambassador’s wife and Emily Gilmore- all peas in a pod when it comes to things like small talk and being the perfect hostess. Emily gets her conversation topics from the newspaper; the ambassador’s wife has gems like this, and Anna just has a natural demeanor suited to such things. If there’s a weekend workshop that could put me in a room with all three, I’d be an expert conversationalist in no time. Too bad all three are fictional. 

Skilled at small talk, the gift of gab, a people person- whatever you call it, I want to be better at it. Today if I spoke like the Ambassador’s wife, that would probably illicit looks of confusion or judgement, but if I kept the idea and put it into modern terms, would that do the trick?

During all this time of “social studies”, I was discouraged to discover that I hadn’t created a new community. In fact, I couldn’t even boast of one new friend. But I was overlooking a new aspect of my life that I hadn’t considered before.

Starting this blog has been one of the biggest and most profound changes in my life. True, my voice was out there now, which was my intention from the beginning, but something else happened in the creating of the blog, and additionally the creation of my Instagram. My social media habits have completely changed. Before, I rarely posted on my personal page and only spent time on Instagram for my job, but now I was engaging with other Bookstagrammers, as book enthusiasts are called on Instagram, several times a day. Before, I rarely commented on other people’s posts or stories, but now I was sharing my own thoughts on classic novels, opinions on books I’ve read, and discovering new books to add to my ‘to be read list’ (#tbr).

 There are so many accounts I routinely follow and genuinely like to see new posts and comments. I’ve even joined a private group of lovely Bookstagrammers where we constantly share our new posts, new life updates, and encourage each other in our bookish endeavors. There are negative aspects to social media, but then again, there are some negative aspects to everything, including socializing. However, since I’ve joined the Bookstagram community, my experience has been mostly positive. I credit that to several things. These book bloggers, reviewers, and lovers are mostly focused on the books- shifting the focus from material goods and physical appearances to the intellectual aspects of life: ideas, thoughts, learning, and conversations. Without even realizing, I had stepped into a community of genuine and supportive bibliophiles who accept the real me. That is what a true community should be, one that builds you up, celebrates you, and envelopes you in joy and peace. True, the perfect community does not exist, but we can always strive to be better.

Perhaps what I truly need is a Bookstagram/Anna Karenina Society fusion- a society that is skilled in the arts of manners and conversation, but with modern ideas and acceptance. While I may never be able to match Emily Gilmore’s conversation skills, or be as instantly loveable as Anna Karenina, I vow to keep trying, to keep learning from those who are better than me, to keep engaging with new and current friends, and to invest in the societies in which I discover along the way. 

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